Halloween, you never know what to expect on a night of mischief but dry humping some guy in the middle of a work party is probably to be avoided. His costume was pretty authentic though: he had a huge Mohawk but it was obviously fake since most of his long hair was pulled back in a ponytail underneath. He looked like a hipster who was trying to look like a dirty old school punk rocker. In the morning I looked over at him his hair and realized that his hair was not pulled back in a pony tail but in fact one huge knotted dread at the back of his head. The “fake Mohawk” was actually just a whole bunch of smaller dreads that were unattached to the one big knot. Well good sir, your dirty hair, nails, teeth and face are not so much a turn on when I realize they aren’t part of a costume. Goodbye dread Nohawk guy.
I was horny – what can I say? Fresh on the market, I picked this douche bag up for a couple months. He was looking to inherit a couple million and when he got his first installment, he bitched for a week about having to pay back the $50 he owed me. He fucked like he was trying to punch my cervix out through my lower back and left me bleeding several times. I broke it off with him after he screamed at me for prioritizing my school over casual sex, yikes.
The Vintage Douche, Part 2
Although he was extremely well endowed, I’m not really sure why it lasted that long. He was one of those guys mid-twenties who still found poop jokes funny, consistently asked me to sleep with him while he played “Hold Onto My Heart” by W.A.S.P. and would say things like “yeah, lunchboxes” and other strange comments when he was about to orgasm. How precious.
Iwas totally digging this guy’s long messy curly hair, but right when we were about to bang he pulled a baggie out of his pocket and said “I’m going to go smoke this pill’. Uh-oh.
I “dated” this fine piece when I first moved to the city. He would do a shitload of coke then try to titty fuck me with his scary pencil dick and the worst lube ever for hours on end. He also would beg me to fuck his roommate and would repeat “ain’t no fun unless the homies get some” over and over. Wow.
I met this gem a couple semesters ago at school when he was a guest of one of my friends at a party. He was one of those guys who is really attractive on the surface, but his style and looks only hide the fact that he is an undesirable weirdo, but drunk me couldn’t tell the difference. For some reason he spoke just like Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High (he said it was because he is from the west coast, except he was from Arizona), and he spent an hour telling me all about how he might go to jail for identity theft. At one point he left the party, only to return in a really short t-shirt, no underwear, and his pants falling down. Y’know, so that everyone could admire his coin slot and happy trail. Classy. He was a real life parody, and kept saying stupid embarrassing things, it was like banging that Jesse Camp. As the night went on, he started to forget my name and I started to sober up and become disgusted by him, so I kicked him out of my place and had to hide out when he kept coming back to knock on my door and asking my roommates where I was. The next day his friends said that he ended up passing out in his car, which got towed while he was sleeping in it.
As is the story with most every jerk-off in a band that tours Europe, this one considered himself a god. In a group setting he was pretty fun and normal and at least an 9 on the hot punk scale. I had him over once and as a result now know what it feels like to be boinked by a rabbit, and needing to take ten scalding hot showers to feel normal again. All I got out of it was paranoia and a free all-inclusive STD test at my university’s clinic.
My best friend, her boyfriend, her brother, and her brother’s friend were in town visiting. We all shared a hotel room together after spending the evening drinking and causing a ruckus. There were two beds and I shared one with the brother’s friend. As soon as the lights were off, it was on… as in, he was on me. Never have I experienced such a sloppy, animalistic, slobbery make-out. After a few minutes of this, I pretended to fall asleep. Ten minutes later, it all happened again. This went on for the next SIX hours. In the morning, I was greeted by his boner in my backside, followed by morning breath, and leftover Jimmy John’s sandwich in the bed, how thoughtful – breakfast in bed! No, thanks. After all this, I am lucky to have never seen him again. I like to think I did it for the story.
I met this guy at work which made it worst to say the least. I was really into getting to know him better so one of my guy friends made it possible by setting us up for a hang. We drank for a while and went back to his place for 30 seconds of “pleasure.” I quickly found out that that was it, there was not a rematch, the damn thing died after 30 seconds. I attributed it to the alcohol but apparently I was wrong, we did it again another day completely sober and guess what: he lasted maybe 45 seconds. Later on in life I learned he gotten married and I will always wonder… does she gets the full minute?
The Vintage Douche, Part 1
After our database ate it completely last summer, we never got around to re-uploading all the first posts that made this site, urm…great? For the next few weeks leading up to SXSW, I’ll upload some of my all time favorite posts. Enjoy!
This dude was obsessed with me telling him he had the biggest dick I had ever seen and if this wasn’t weird enough, the creepy factor got turned up to the max when he reached over to his nightstand once and pulled out and enormous purple dildo. I didn’t stick around long enough to find out what he wanted me to do with that monster. I am getting chills just thinking about it.
|
When I went down on him, he asked me if I wanted a warning before he came. I said yes, please, and when it was time, he said, “Warning! This is your warning!” Gotcha, dude.
WHAT. THE. FUCK? 5 minutes after I met this guy he dumped a giant beer on my best friend, called her a “fat bitch” several times and threatened to beat up her boyfriend. He’s covered in these god awful satanic tattoos and when we got to his place he made me watch Sixteen Candles and listen to a bunch of gangsta rap. He slapped me around and choked me the whole time we boned, then he held my hand and walked me to the train in the morning. I’m still confused.
Sorry Mom Stickers 4 U!
Our friend Adam helped us design these stickers for the site with a dash of inspiration from our girl Nicole. Hopefully getting the word out will get the submissions rolling in again so you guys have new material to read! Hit me up if you want one, I’ll have them ready to send out next month.
I met this jack-off in college, where we were kinda seeing each other on and off. We beacme serious and ended up sleeping together loads but starting seeing another girl, which was ok with me since he lived miles away. Like a mug I trusted his bullshit lies. He ended up not contacting me for a whole month, ignoring my texts and when I did finally get hold of him he said he’d been really busy and he’d moved house, he’d also moved in with the girl he was seeing despite constantly telling me it wasn’t serious. He’s also in his mid twenties and still plays with war-hammer models and has had the same haircut for like 10 years. He’d also always be ringing me up making the nastiest sex noises down the phone because he thought it’d turn me on, wrong! What WAS I thinking?
