This dude is the epitome of scum bag, but you wouldn’t know it at first. At 22, he thinks he’s slick with his game, acting like a chubby funny sweetheart so he gets what he wants. He’ll promise you the world- talk about “who he knows” and how much “money he makes”, and how “nothing is ever out of reach.” He’ll brag about his awesome job as a plumber- when in reality he’s an assistant. He’ll tell you he wants to marry you, make you a ring out of paper (also what he does to strippers- except he uses a dollar bill) and the reason his past relationships didn’t work out is because all his exes were “totally crazy.” He brags about dating “chubby chicks with family problems” so they will never leave him and he can manipulate them any way he wants. He won’t tell you how every girl he’s ever touched or dated hates him with a passion and he definitely won’t tell you about all the dick pics he’s sending other girls while he was sitting next to you, cuddling, telling you how much he loves you. This one is a REAL winner. If you see this wanna-be rockstar plumber, run, and run fast.
This jackass picked me up in the lobby of the jail. He found out that I was a writer and begged me to give him my number so he could get some publicity for his band. It wasn’t but a few hours before he was texting me nonstop, calling and singing to me and pestering me to go out with him. He sounded desperate but had this bad-boy attitude that always gets me, and I ended up having awful sex with him. It wasn’t even a week before he claimed he had just sold his house and had nowhere to stay in the meantime. A month later, I was still stuck living with this whiny asshole who didn’t understand why I never wanted to have sex with him and was leaching me for every penny I made. This photo popped up not long after I kicked him out of my place, cut off his phone — which I was paying for — and told him to go DIAF. I’m now dating a hot rocket scientist (literally). Happy endings rock.
I met this beaut at a former job. He seemed nice at first, so we hooked up on a friend’s couch one early morning. Two minutes later he was fully dressed and explaining to me that this happened all the time. Apparently using too much ecstasy in your formative years gives you limp-dick. We messed around for another month or two when one day, after a good 5 minute romp sesh, another girl he had been apparently pursuing calls. He told her he’d be over later on to hang out, promptly severed all ties with me and asked me to take him home. They’re now engaged.
SXSM – Monday: The Day’s Worst Dude.
Oh South by Southwest, your wonders are plentiful, as are your douche bags. When you throw hundreds of young, attractive (and not-so attractive) people in the same place and feed them gallons of free booze, you’re bound to come up with a few unpleasant encounters. I met this tough guy (who was wearing sunglasses at night, in the pouring rain no less) last night in the courtyard of the Pure Volume house, where he demanded a cigarette, belittled my brand choice and immediately berated me for living in New York City. I later spotted him trying to re-enter the venue in order to receive another round of complimentary drink tickets, at which point I’m pretty sure he was finally turned away. Whoever said southern gentlemen had the best manners might have to re-think things a little.
SXSM, Day #1
Partially soggy, mostly sleepy and a little overwhelming, Monday involved being interviewed by IFC, realizing the flip cam I brought down wasn’t working anymore (which means no video content, sorry y’all) and that the house I am staying at has no wifi (hence no update ’till today) and getting a little overzealous with the shout-outs on the text message screen at the Pure Volume house somewhere between my second and third beer. My panel is in a few hours, I will report back after depending on how elated or humiliated I am. A few more pics after the jump.
Next Week, 03/15-3/19: SXSM!
Hey y’all! I’ll be posting photos, video and blogs from Austin, Texas all next week as I join the masses for the free booze shmooze fest that is South By Southwest. If you’re down there and want to meet up, tweet @sorry_mom and I’ll give you a high-five AND a Sorry Mom sticker. Oh! And don’t forget to come check out my panel “Airing your Dirty Laundry Online: Therapy or Revenge?” Tuesday, March 16 at 3:30pm at the Courtyard Rio Grande A.
Last spring, my station hired a new sportscaster. At first, I thought he’d be cool. He pretended he was a big, tough manly-man while at work, but afterwards, we’d cuddle for hours and talk about our favorite TV shows. After boasting about his “many” sexual conquests, I gave in and we did the deed. That’s when I learned why he hadn’t had a girlfriend for years: he was hung like a field mouse and although he’s denied it, I’m 100% convinced he was a virgin. He had an unhealthy obsession with Superman and dyed his hair more often than I did. On Valentine’s day, I learned he had sent out a mass email via Facebook to several girls looking for a date. To boot, his roommate later confessed that he’d walked in on him a couple times watching porn and jerking it in the living room! Thankfully he was fired shortly thereafter so I never had to face him again.
This guy was one half of the bro-iest pair of co-dependent, mouth-breathing, mysteriously-popular, bad-haircut-having closet cases I had ever met. We decided to add benefits to our friendship, which I realized was clearly a mistake the moment he started seizing on top of me, socks still on his feet. About 2 minutes in, his phone rang, surprise, it was his other half. Being in reach, and also still inside me, he naturally answered the phone. After casually chatting for a minute with his boy he hung up the phone and simultaneously ejaculated. He then got up and started dribbling a basketball around his room. I watched, completely stunned, as he said we should do it again sometime and glided out of the room on the tile with those fucking socks.
I dated this charmer for a year. I should have realized something was amiss when he moved in with me after a few months. We had been sleeping more at my place than his, so it seemed logical at the time. What was illogical: he lost his job after the first month and spent more time smoking weed and playing Playstation than looking for a job. When my mum became severely ill and eventually passed away (and I had to pick up extra hours at BOTH my jobs totaling in about 80 hours a week to support us both) he claimed I was “pulling away from him” and started boning our neighbor behind my back.
This guy kept talking about how good of a writer he was and how he worked for the college newspaper so I thought I’d give him some attention. His almost invisible D was not exactly a treat and he seemed so lost around my lady parts, he finally he broke down and confessed he was a virgin. I went to the bathroom to clean up and the dude fell asleep, locking me out of his mothball scented room. I stood there naked, wrapped in a towel as his roommates looked at me. I’m so embarrassed to even admit I wasted a drunken night on him.
