College senior who broke up with me so he could fuck as many girls as possible before he graduates. The sad thing is, he’s actually a great guy. Or was, until this.
I picked up this winner after stumbling into him a few times at frat parties where he was decked out in club clothes and surrounded by a posse of skanky girls. He quickly convinced me he was “different” from his other douche brothers when he came out to audition for my theater group to prove he was secretly deep and sensitive. We started hanging out and he immediately spilled dark personal secrets that left my mouth open in shock – which he wasted no time filling with his tongue. I probably should’ve listened to everyone around me when they told me I should get tested just from being on stage with him, but instead managed to convince myself that what we had was “different.” The bedroom activities were pretty fun, to be fair, but I probably should’ve realized things were a little off when he loved to ask “whatcha got there?” anytime his dick was in my mouth. This d-bag was as needy as a 5-year-old and pouted and whined anytime he didn’t have my full attention, even going as far as to ban me from my cellphone when we hung out. When I discovered his blog in which he described all his “options” for sex and his dirty weekend nights – I finally knew I had to cut it off. The only “option” left for him should be to get his ass out to Health Services and get tested – my appointment’s next week.
I was really intoxicated, and he looked HOT, so we hung out all night at a friends house. The next morning I realized he wasn’t as hot as the beer goggles led me to believe, but he was nice enough, and respectful so I dated him. After a few weeks of dating, (and finding out his wife left him to be a lesbian- should of been a hint!) I slept with him, and it was the MOST AWFUL THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED TO ME. He was huge and had no rhythm whatsoever. Huge I’m usually a fan of, but when it’s like BAM. BAM….BAM..BAM BAM…… BAM, there’s nothing you can do to make it not painful! I tried to stick through it, maybe work with him somehow, but it was plain painful and utterly ridiculous. One night I just ended up kicking him off of me and leaving, and I never went back. To top it off, I recently saw him at the bar we frequented, and he came up to me, and told me that he couldn’t believe that someone broke up with him because they couldn’t “handle the sex.” Dude.
The World’s Best Ever X Sorry Mom X SXSW
One of my all time favorite sites, The World’s Best Ever, posted a slideshow of photos taken by my travel companion/soulmate Monique Roberts of our favorite moments of SXSW 2010. Check them out HERE.
After a string of one night stands after meeting on his birthday, this ginger suggested we take things to the next level, but I continued seeing other guys. On the eve of Valentine’s day he agreed to stay the night at my apartment for the first time and I passed out, leaving my unlocked phone on my night stand, which apparently kept vibrating. The curious ginger decided to take a gander. I had texts between not one, not two, but three other guys – making plans of the sorts or whatever. I guess he didn’t like this very much, because he took off, carting along with him the USED mini flat screen (the same flat screen he used in his dorm in college) he gave me for my birthday. I woke up more confused than I usually wake up after a hard night of jack and gingers (no pun intended). My TV was missing and so was the gingery wall street boy. I picked up my phone and had a slew of nasty bbm’s from him saying I broke his heart and he was going to tell me he loved me the next day, which was Valentine’s day – so cliche. I never found out how he got home – didn’t dare to ask. The story is not over yet. He sent detailed Facebook messages to one of the other guys I was dating for days about my behavior and the other texts he had seen. I’m not sure how, but I salvaged that one and am still dating him (monogomously).
This turd broke up with me because I was “too fat and ate too much bacon for a girl.” What really got me was what happened right before spring break. We messed around in my dorm, he got off, but said he was too tired to join me for a little fun in the shower. I freshened up, wrapped my towel around me and headed back to my room only to find the door was locked. I knocked lightly, he didn’t respond. I knocked hard, he didn’t respond. At this point it was after 4 am. I stood out there for a good 30 minutes, panicking. I didn’t know what to do. I thought about going outside and pounding on the window, but didn’t want campus security to catch me and there was no way I was going to call an RA since I was nearly naked. I had to knock on my neighbor’s room, wake up this girl I barely knew, and call my ex nonstop till he woke up and answered his phone. The kicker was that he was pissed at me for waking him up. I felt pretty used and I became the subject of campus gossip the entire semester.
A “relationship” I stayed in too long goes like this: Dating begins fine. First time we had sex he tried the old “whoops! wrong hole” trick. (red flag) I excused that. Continue on, I burned myself and he tried to sooth my pain with his “man juice”? (red flag) Ignored that. One night, he spent the night and I woke up in the middle of the night confused as to why my arm and right side were wet. Come to find out he wet the bed and tried to blame it on me! He didn’t clean it up but took my sheets home to wash them, how sweet? (red flag) I really should of known to call it quits when every time he tried to express something to me he’d express it in the form of “I had a dream…” FOOL YOU AIN’T MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. ALL LIKE “I HAD A DREAM I PUT IT IN THE BUTT”. Phew, I think I know the warning signs now.
Maybe I should’ve been tipped off by such things as every surface in his room covered in action figures and toys, getting half-naked pics of him dressed as a pirate (before we’d even made out), or the Mr. T portrait tattooed on his side. But I ignored any doubts and powered through, thinking this mid-thirties guy must have more to offer than meets the eye. I mean, after all, he did have a genius-level IQ, according to him. Apparently geniuses love WoW, Adult Swim, and XBox Live. They do not like books, politics, or anything besides punk and metal. This genius also frequently orgasmed after 90 seconds flat of intercourse, blaming it on me and my blowjob skills though he of course rarely returned the oral favor. The last time he did, he wound up scratching my clit with his prominent snaggle-tooth. It took me 8 long months to wise up. And no, I’ve no idea why he’s dressed like an elf in this photo.
I met this gem of a psychopath after my mother took me to Las Vegas for a weekend. After spending several grope-free, drama-free fun-filled days together I headed back to Los Angeles. We kept in contact via email because he went to South America, and two weeks later he asked if he could fly me down. I jumped at the chance, get there, and soon I become painfully aware that he’s a prescription popper and that I’m not down there to enjoy myself, but to serve as his translator, maid, and general slave. Needless to say, in a pill induced rage of which he has no recollection, he destroyed my laptop, berated me and told the police I stabbed him. Two destroyed hotel rooms and many freak outs-later, I had to talk him into flying me home, which he said was “charitable” of him. Yipes.
SXSM Days 2- 6 – Austin almost ended me
I apologize for the lack of updates while I was in Austin – internet access was scarce and finding time to blog was nearly impossible. Thanks to all that came to my panel and made it a huge success, I will be posting video from it as soon as it is edited. As for the rest of the time there were douches, a lot of them, and I will post those too, I promise. In the meantime, check out this little piece the folks over at Austin 360 wrote up on the panel.
