I met this beaut at a former job. He seemed nice at first, so we hooked up on a friend’s couch one early morning. Two minutes later he was fully dressed and explaining to me that this happened all the time. Apparently using too much ecstasy in your formative years gives you limp-dick. We messed around for another month or two when one day, after a good 5 minute romp sesh, another girl he had been apparently pursuing calls. He told her he’d be over later on to hang out, promptly severed all ties with me and asked me to take him home. They’re now engaged.
SXSM – Monday: The Day’s Worst Dude.
Oh South by Southwest, your wonders are plentiful, as are your douche bags. When you throw hundreds of young, attractive (and not-so attractive) people in the same place and feed them gallons of free booze, you’re bound to come up with a few unpleasant encounters. I met this tough guy (who was wearing sunglasses at night, in the pouring rain no less) last night in the courtyard of the Pure Volume house, where he demanded a cigarette, belittled my brand choice and immediately berated me for living in New York City. I later spotted him trying to re-enter the venue in order to receive another round of complimentary drink tickets, at which point I’m pretty sure he was finally turned away. Whoever said southern gentlemen had the best manners might have to re-think things a little.
SXSM, Day #1
Partially soggy, mostly sleepy and a little overwhelming, Monday involved being interviewed by IFC, realizing the flip cam I brought down wasn’t working anymore (which means no video content, sorry y’all) and that the house I am staying at has no wifi (hence no update ’till today) and getting a little overzealous with the shout-outs on the text message screen at the Pure Volume house somewhere between my second and third beer. My panel is in a few hours, I will report back after depending on how elated or humiliated I am. A few more pics after the jump.
Next Week, 03/15-3/19: SXSM!
Hey y’all! I’ll be posting photos, video and blogs from Austin, Texas all next week as I join the masses for the free booze shmooze fest that is South By Southwest. If you’re down there and want to meet up, tweet @sorry_mom and I’ll give you a high-five AND a Sorry Mom sticker. Oh! And don’t forget to come check out my panel “Airing your Dirty Laundry Online: Therapy or Revenge?” Tuesday, March 16 at 3:30pm at the Courtyard Rio Grande A.
Last spring, my station hired a new sportscaster. At first, I thought he’d be cool. He pretended he was a big, tough manly-man while at work, but afterwards, we’d cuddle for hours and talk about our favorite TV shows. After boasting about his “many” sexual conquests, I gave in and we did the deed. That’s when I learned why he hadn’t had a girlfriend for years: he was hung like a field mouse and although he’s denied it, I’m 100% convinced he was a virgin. He had an unhealthy obsession with Superman and dyed his hair more often than I did. On Valentine’s day, I learned he had sent out a mass email via Facebook to several girls looking for a date. To boot, his roommate later confessed that he’d walked in on him a couple times watching porn and jerking it in the living room! Thankfully he was fired shortly thereafter so I never had to face him again.
This guy was one half of the bro-iest pair of co-dependent, mouth-breathing, mysteriously-popular, bad-haircut-having closet cases I had ever met. We decided to add benefits to our friendship, which I realized was clearly a mistake the moment he started seizing on top of me, socks still on his feet. About 2 minutes in, his phone rang, surprise, it was his other half. Being in reach, and also still inside me, he naturally answered the phone. After casually chatting for a minute with his boy he hung up the phone and simultaneously ejaculated. He then got up and started dribbling a basketball around his room. I watched, completely stunned, as he said we should do it again sometime and glided out of the room on the tile with those fucking socks.
I dated this charmer for a year. I should have realized something was amiss when he moved in with me after a few months. We had been sleeping more at my place than his, so it seemed logical at the time. What was illogical: he lost his job after the first month and spent more time smoking weed and playing Playstation than looking for a job. When my mum became severely ill and eventually passed away (and I had to pick up extra hours at BOTH my jobs totaling in about 80 hours a week to support us both) he claimed I was “pulling away from him” and started boning our neighbor behind my back.
This guy kept talking about how good of a writer he was and how he worked for the college newspaper so I thought I’d give him some attention. His almost invisible D was not exactly a treat and he seemed so lost around my lady parts, he finally he broke down and confessed he was a virgin. I went to the bathroom to clean up and the dude fell asleep, locking me out of his mothball scented room. I stood there naked, wrapped in a towel as his roommates looked at me. I’m so embarrassed to even admit I wasted a drunken night on him.
I knew this guy through mutual friends when I was in high school. I had no idea how old he was, but had a huge thing for him. A few years later, I was having problems with one of our mutual friends: he was in love with me, but I told him repeatedly that I had no feelings for him but he still thought he had a chance with me. I met up with the friend to ask him what to do about it, since the two of them were best friends. We ended up getting drunk at his place and I fell asleep, only to wake up to him kissing me and I went for it since I had had a huge thing for him back int he day. After the worst sex I’ve ever had, he admitted that he had been completely obsessed with me since we were younger then went on to put on a video he took at a party years earlier that we both had been at. The entire video was him creeping on me and trying to get shots up my skirt. The guy was 10 years older than me…creepy much?
He was so proud of himself that he could go on forever, and I was only bored after a while. Just going on for so long is not good enough if you’re fucking as if you are following a manual. Somebody must have done the mistake and giving him some sort of instructions in a “press this thing, turn to this position, after 5 minutes put hands there and – voila – it works” sort of way. When we broke up he turned out to be a real, real, real, high class asshole as well, so no hard feelings for losing that guy.
