I was really intoxicated, and he looked HOT, so we hung out all night at a friends house. The next morning I realized he wasn’t as hot as the beer goggles led me to believe, but he was nice enough, and respectful so I dated him. After a few weeks of dating, (and finding out his wife left him to be a lesbian- should of been a hint!) I slept with him, and it was the MOST AWFUL THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED TO ME. He was huge and had no rhythm whatsoever. Huge I’m usually a fan of, but when it’s like BAM. BAM….BAM..BAM BAM…… BAM, there’s nothing you can do to make it not painful! I tried to stick through it, maybe work with him somehow, but it was plain painful and utterly ridiculous. One night I just ended up kicking him off of me and leaving, and I never went back. To top it off, I recently saw him at the bar we frequented, and he came up to me, and told me that he couldn’t believe that someone broke up with him because they couldn’t “handle the sex.” Dude.
The World’s Best Ever X Sorry Mom X SXSW
One of my all time favorite sites, The World’s Best Ever, posted a slideshow of photos taken by my travel companion/soulmate Monique Roberts of our favorite moments of SXSW 2010. Check them out HERE.
After a string of one night stands after meeting on his birthday, this ginger suggested we take things to the next level, but I continued seeing other guys. On the eve of Valentine’s day he agreed to stay the night at my apartment for the first time and I passed out, leaving my unlocked phone on my night stand, which apparently kept vibrating. The curious ginger decided to take a gander. I had texts between not one, not two, but three other guys – making plans of the sorts or whatever. I guess he didn’t like this very much, because he took off, carting along with him the USED mini flat screen (the same flat screen he used in his dorm in college) he gave me for my birthday. I woke up more confused than I usually wake up after a hard night of jack and gingers (no pun intended). My TV was missing and so was the gingery wall street boy. I picked up my phone and had a slew of nasty bbm’s from him saying I broke his heart and he was going to tell me he loved me the next day, which was Valentine’s day – so cliche. I never found out how he got home – didn’t dare to ask. The story is not over yet. He sent detailed Facebook messages to one of the other guys I was dating for days about my behavior and the other texts he had seen. I’m not sure how, but I salvaged that one and am still dating him (monogomously).
This turd broke up with me because I was “too fat and ate too much bacon for a girl.” What really got me was what happened right before spring break. We messed around in my dorm, he got off, but said he was too tired to join me for a little fun in the shower. I freshened up, wrapped my towel around me and headed back to my room only to find the door was locked. I knocked lightly, he didn’t respond. I knocked hard, he didn’t respond. At this point it was after 4 am. I stood out there for a good 30 minutes, panicking. I didn’t know what to do. I thought about going outside and pounding on the window, but didn’t want campus security to catch me and there was no way I was going to call an RA since I was nearly naked. I had to knock on my neighbor’s room, wake up this girl I barely knew, and call my ex nonstop till he woke up and answered his phone. The kicker was that he was pissed at me for waking him up. I felt pretty used and I became the subject of campus gossip the entire semester.
A “relationship” I stayed in too long goes like this: Dating begins fine. First time we had sex he tried the old “whoops! wrong hole” trick. (red flag) I excused that. Continue on, I burned myself and he tried to sooth my pain with his “man juice”? (red flag) Ignored that. One night, he spent the night and I woke up in the middle of the night confused as to why my arm and right side were wet. Come to find out he wet the bed and tried to blame it on me! He didn’t clean it up but took my sheets home to wash them, how sweet? (red flag) I really should of known to call it quits when every time he tried to express something to me he’d express it in the form of “I had a dream…” FOOL YOU AIN’T MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. ALL LIKE “I HAD A DREAM I PUT IT IN THE BUTT”. Phew, I think I know the warning signs now.
Maybe I should’ve been tipped off by such things as every surface in his room covered in action figures and toys, getting half-naked pics of him dressed as a pirate (before we’d even made out), or the Mr. T portrait tattooed on his side. But I ignored any doubts and powered through, thinking this mid-thirties guy must have more to offer than meets the eye. I mean, after all, he did have a genius-level IQ, according to him. Apparently geniuses love WoW, Adult Swim, and XBox Live. They do not like books, politics, or anything besides punk and metal. This genius also frequently orgasmed after 90 seconds flat of intercourse, blaming it on me and my blowjob skills though he of course rarely returned the oral favor. The last time he did, he wound up scratching my clit with his prominent snaggle-tooth. It took me 8 long months to wise up. And no, I’ve no idea why he’s dressed like an elf in this photo.
I met this gem of a psychopath after my mother took me to Las Vegas for a weekend. After spending several grope-free, drama-free fun-filled days together I headed back to Los Angeles. We kept in contact via email because he went to South America, and two weeks later he asked if he could fly me down. I jumped at the chance, get there, and soon I become painfully aware that he’s a prescription popper and that I’m not down there to enjoy myself, but to serve as his translator, maid, and general slave. Needless to say, in a pill induced rage of which he has no recollection, he destroyed my laptop, berated me and told the police I stabbed him. Two destroyed hotel rooms and many freak outs-later, I had to talk him into flying me home, which he said was “charitable” of him. Yipes.
SXSM Days 2- 6 – Austin almost ended me
I apologize for the lack of updates while I was in Austin – internet access was scarce and finding time to blog was nearly impossible. Thanks to all that came to my panel and made it a huge success, I will be posting video from it as soon as it is edited. As for the rest of the time there were douches, a lot of them, and I will post those too, I promise. In the meantime, check out this little piece the folks over at Austin 360 wrote up on the panel.
This dude is the epitome of scum bag, but you wouldn’t know it at first. At 22, he thinks he’s slick with his game, acting like a chubby funny sweetheart so he gets what he wants. He’ll promise you the world- talk about “who he knows” and how much “money he makes”, and how “nothing is ever out of reach.” He’ll brag about his awesome job as a plumber- when in reality he’s an assistant. He’ll tell you he wants to marry you, make you a ring out of paper (also what he does to strippers- except he uses a dollar bill) and the reason his past relationships didn’t work out is because all his exes were “totally crazy.” He brags about dating “chubby chicks with family problems” so they will never leave him and he can manipulate them any way he wants. He won’t tell you how every girl he’s ever touched or dated hates him with a passion and he definitely won’t tell you about all the dick pics he’s sending other girls while he was sitting next to you, cuddling, telling you how much he loves you. This one is a REAL winner. If you see this wanna-be rockstar plumber, run, and run fast.
This jackass picked me up in the lobby of the jail. He found out that I was a writer and begged me to give him my number so he could get some publicity for his band. It wasn’t but a few hours before he was texting me nonstop, calling and singing to me and pestering me to go out with him. He sounded desperate but had this bad-boy attitude that always gets me, and I ended up having awful sex with him. It wasn’t even a week before he claimed he had just sold his house and had nowhere to stay in the meantime. A month later, I was still stuck living with this whiny asshole who didn’t understand why I never wanted to have sex with him and was leaching me for every penny I made. This photo popped up not long after I kicked him out of my place, cut off his phone — which I was paying for — and told him to go DIAF. I’m now dating a hot rocket scientist (literally). Happy endings rock.
