This guy was a secret douche, meaning for the two months of relationship I thought he was a nice guy. Unfortunately I just wasn’t attracted to him, so I broke up with him. The weekend after there was a party at my house and the guy sent his ex-girlfriend he’d never quite gotten over into our house to spy on us. Literally. When my friends and I went out to go clubbing, he suddenly turned up at the party and proceeded to harass my flatmates and insult them. Of course he had to pick on my friends, because he was too chickenshit to take his anger out on me. When I ran into him again he told me I was lazy (he was by far lazier, and the biggest dude I’ve ever dated) and implied that I had no social life. Fuck off.
She went down on me. Looked up at me and said “You have a nice bonedawg.” or “bone, dawg.” I’m still not sure. Either way, I let her finish and never talked to her again. I didn’t realize I had been hooking up with DMX.
Shortly after moving to San Francisco, I ended up drunkenly making out with and sleeping next to a coworker. After repeatedly letting me know how much I loved her boobs (which in reality, were alright, but the rest of her ruined them), I realized this girl was a bit too crazy and unappealing for my personal tastes. She began to be super awkward at work, even claiming that she was about to transfer stores because of me. A few weeks later she was trying to get down with my best friend/room mate at a local bar. He and I joked about it casually while he went home with her, making the same mistake I did (and reportedly receiving the absolute WORST blowjob of his life). Work is a bit more relaxed nowadays, but I still hold extreme disrespect in the back of my mind, Monday through Friday.
Two months ago i met this young ass girl at a party. I was just standing there smoking and she comes up and starts talking to about the wine I’m holding. She’s drunk and kind of annoying but really hot. I walk her to her car and we make out a little, she wants to come home with me but I say “you’re drunk and really young. you should go home and call me tomorrow.” A week or so later, we eventually go out for drinks and she comes home with me that night. The conversation is abysmal and I finally just take her shirt off, suck on her tits for a minute and carry her to my bed. After some naked making out I realize this chick is brainless and probably accepts whatever rod is presented to her, so I say “I’m tired let’s go to sleep.” Well, you’ve heard of “whiskey dick” right? I have the opposite. I will knock a fucking hole in a wall after drinking the bourbon. So we go to sleep and I wake up to her saying “why is my butt all wet?” and I realize I have my cock in my hand, then she whines “gawwwwd there’s a river of semen on my buuuutt” and I’m like “ooooohhhh I thought I was dreaming…” Apparently i jerked off and came on this 23 year old’s ass in my sleep! I get her a wash rag from the bathroom, throw it at her ass and fall back asleep. The ride to her car the next was punctuated by her disdain for me putting on a Loverboy LP while drinking coffee. Enough said. Do not call list.
I’d been with this girl for two years. We decided to stay together when we went to college, even though my university was three hours away. I planned on transferring to hers after six months. Once my transfer was finalized I took a trip up to see her and celebrate, but she was a no show. I went to her usual hang out and found her with a group of mutual friends sucking face with the bass guitarist of some rock band. She’d been with him for the last two months. Woops!
I had been seeing this 30-something woman for a few weeks and one night while I was doing her doggy style she asked if I wanted to fuck her ass. I explained I didn’t have any lube. She said that hand lotion would do. Well, you don’t have to tell me twice!Here’s the kicker: as I was fucking her ass with hand lotion, she asked “do you love me now?”. I kind of stopped for a moment there but I figured I could think about it more after cumming all over her back.
I met this girl freshman year of high school going into my sophomore year. She was my first girlfriend, and just came to the school from Canada. We both lost our virginity to each other. She was off the wall crazy, always accused me of cheating on her, constantly complained about how much my hometown sucked and how America was horrible. Though I was young and thought I was in love with her and we kept breaking up and getting back together. She had way more hair than me all over her body, and for a month refused to shave her armpits until her mother told her she had to shave or move out. Her brother hated me as well, and she defended his view on this. The last time we ended breaking up she later came to me in school and told me she was pregnant, but after I was freaking out for a while, said it was just an April fool’s joke. Well, on the plus side the sex was outstanding.
Dude was a drunk gamer. When I was 16 (he was two years older) he would invite me over his fat friend’s house every weekend so we could get hammered and after about a year of stale conversation and sloppy make out sessions, I decided I was going to sleep with him before he went off to college. He came over to my house while my parents were out and of course we got wasted before anything remotely intimate happened. He struggled with the condom saying he’d never put one on before so after I turned it around the right way for him, he didn’t even fill it up. Nothing’s worst than a flaccid penis. Maybe the shower would work? Fumble McFumbleston poked around for a bit with no luck and after 20 minutes my mom found us. The dude dipped out at lightning speed and waited in the driveway for his mom to come get him.
One night at the movies with a friend, we ran into a friend of hers who had also brought along a friend. I was indifferent towards his quiet bland fro-haired friend and exchanged no words with the guy, but afterward all four of us decided to go get drinks. He didn’t seem to talk much but suggested we go see another movie sometime. This somehow turned into four dates, during which he stared at me lovingly and excused himself to go to the bathroom every ten minutes. Finally we had sex and he came in a minute, then we had sex in the morning and he came in a minute again. While we were still in bed naked he asked me about my relationship experience, but not because he cared, only so he can tell me he just broke up with his girlfriend of two years when she went to rehab. After I tortured him some more I got his twisted ass to confess that he was only stringing me along, which meant his ex had hurt him and he wanted to hurt someone else.
I met this karaoke host at one of his gigs. After he slept with me started dating another girl and didn’t have the balls to tell me. Turns out despite going on and on about what a responsible dad he was, he was taken to court for failing child support several time. He is a compulsive liar, is always BROKE, works basically every night in area bars. He’s with some other girl now but hopefully she gets out before its too late.
