I had been planning on saving myself for marriage. Turned out that that would have been an extremely difficult goal to reach, since I found out the sex is friggin’ awesome. I fell in love with a merchant marine, always out to sea. After 3-4 months of a long-distance relationship, I finally gave my virginity to him, and 2 months after that, he broke up with me after looking at condos together in Florida. Apparently he was “too in love with me and that scared him.” Oh no! Love is SO scary! A year later I was to attend his sister’s wedding and a few days before got an email from him saying: “Do you think I could have my skateboard back? You could bring it to the wedding…” I’d like to ask him if I could have my virginity back!
This charmer trained me when I was new at work. After a few weeks of hanging out (at work and at my house) we hooked up. He slyly hid the fact that he was a raging alcoholic until he got some booty. Eventually, he flipped and totaled his truck DUI on the way to my house. He then belligerently lost his job. I kept him around even though he had no vehicle and was getting drunk at his new killer job at Taco Bell. I kicked him out and he now lives with his mommy that he hates/is sickly obsessed with in a Norman Bates creepfest way. Winner! He wasn’t even cute.
I met this guy when I was 19 and he was 29. At the time he was dating a girl in high school, which should have tipped me off, but I was young and naive. After two dates, he blew me off for 6 months then sent me a message out of nowhere hoping we could “pick up where we left off.” I insisted we only remain friends but eventually he wore me down. I lost my v-card to this douche, and in return he gave me three years of shittiness during which he constantly compared me to his exes, lost his job and having me pay over almost a thousand dollars in his share of bills while he sat on his ass and played video games. I eventually came to my senses and broke up with him, then he really turned the crazy on! He would send me threatening text messages saying I should be gang-raped but I still tried to be civil. I agreed to come to his parent’s house with him for Christmas but during the drive he yelled at me for two hours, threatened to drive off the road, abandoned me and my car in the middle of nowhere only to come back when a cop showed up, and then called me a slut when I wouldn’t sleep in the same bed with him when we finally made it to his parent’s house. Now he’s dating he dragged to my birthday party a year after we broke up and claimed not to know where I was going to be. Now my friend has a restraining order against him and I am taking him to court for the money he owes me. Wow, sorry Mom!!!!
This was the worst date (non-date?) ever. I’d had a quiet crush on him for a couple of years. He happened to call me at work on a Friday afternoon and asked if I wanted to go to the movies with him. Of course I did. I had nothing planned and I was crazy about him. We got to the theatre and he made no advancement towards the box office to get our tickets. I walked up and bought my own at which point he said: “Oh, I was going to treat.” Next, we were sitting in the theatre and he pulled out one can of seltzer water and popped it open and said, “Oh, I brought this for you.” Right, brought it for me. After the movie, he asked if I want to go to dinner. I said yes and that I was up for anything except sushi. Where did we go? Number one sushi restaurant in town. We sat, ordered, and ate and when the check came and he explained that he only hard his card, which meant: “I only have my debit card and I’m not even considering buying dinner for both of us.” so I had to repay him my half in cash. When we got back to his house I got out of his car immediately. He walked me to my car five feet away and asked: “Can I have a platonic hug?” What? So I offered a small simple hug. Then he asked: “So, can I have a platonic French kiss?” WHAT? That certainly didn’t happen.
I met this hot guy at the gym where I worked as a lifeguard, introduced by a mutual friend. We went out a few times and he invited me over one Sunday night to watch Tv – I knew it was time to seal the deal. I said yes, but at the last minute I got a call while I was working out that he wasn’t feeling good and needed to reschedule. As I was leaving, I offered a friend of mine who works at the front desk of the gym a lift home, and she proceeded to gush about this hot guy she flirted with at the gym today, and how they were going out that night. After hearing her descriptions of his hotness, I said “this isn’t by any chance D…?” He had broken off our date to go out with her! I laughed my ass off and thanked her, the universe had given me a major gift of showing me his true douchiness. She still ended up going out with him and he called me to apologize. I told him there were no hard feelings, but tolose my phone number permanently. It didn’t work out for them either and he still tried to flirt with me at the gym. Talk to the hand, buddy!
This guy was the ultimate douchebag. His 3 inch package left MUCH to be desired, even thought he kept sending me pics of it like he was proud. I had to dig thru his stomach overhang to find it. And when he’s not hard? Yeah, its INSIDE his rolls. He can’t fit in condoms so he doesn’t use them- no wonder he has bumps all over his junk that he swears he was born with. He couldn’t please a woman if his life counted on it. Apparently he’s cheated on all his girlfriends- I have still yet to understand HOW. Save yourself the trouble.
This winner thought he was a modern-day Charles Bukowski. Too bad he couldn’t write, fuck OR hold his liquor. He considered his poverty a badge of honor rather than the shameful evidence of his own laziness. He told me I was free to see other guys, then got butthurt when I did. After we broke up, he tried to con me into a fuckbuddy arrangement, and when I refused, he posted a MySpace blog telling everyone about my eating disorder and less-than-pretty lady parts. Last I heard he was on welfare. Good riddance, dude!
I met this Johnny Knoxville look-alike who was ten years my senior, slept with him on the first date (a Megadeth concert, weird) and things progressed on a casual basis for a month or so. Then the tables turned. He berated me in front of my friends and family. He took money from me and spent it at the bar. He disappeared for days on end. I drove 180 miles round-trip at the drop of a hat to see him at his mom’s house. The last time I saw him I drove to see him in a thunderstorm with a chest cold. He got into my car, rolled a blunt and told me that I was “more invested in this relationship” than he was. Then he had the nerve to try and kiss me. When I refused, he slammed the door and left. I haven’t seen him since. Thanks, bro.
At first his Ed Hardy look seemed to be more than a girl could ask for. Tall dark handsome and ripped. Sorry mom I must have forgotten what you said about judging a book my its cover. As soon as he got me in between the sheets I could not have regretted my little affair with prince charming any more…or should I say princess charming! Let’s just say his waxed eyebrows should have clued me in, if that didn’t the blonde bob wig and diamond stud earrings next to his bed certainly did.
Two months ago I met this guy and fell instantly. He was sweet, fun, and “loved” me. Putting aside that after every time we slept together he would ask for a back massage because he was tired, he was lovely. His birthday happen to fall on our three month anniversary, so being the good girlfriend I try to be I asked him what he wanted. Apparently it was to bang my skinnier, (ex)best friend in front of me. Now he’s dating her, but I made sure his mom got the full recap when I came over to give him his stuff back. I fall for the worst dudes.
