I met this jack-off in college, where we were kinda seeing each other on and off. We beacme serious and ended up sleeping together loads but starting seeing another girl, which was ok with me since he lived miles away. Like a mug I trusted his bullshit lies. He ended up not contacting me for a whole month, ignoring my texts and when I did finally get hold of him he said he’d been really busy and he’d moved house, he’d also moved in with the girl he was seeing despite constantly telling me it wasn’t serious. He’s also in his mid twenties and still plays with war-hammer models and has had the same haircut for like 10 years. He’d also always be ringing me up making the nastiest sex noises down the phone because he thought it’d turn me on, wrong! What WAS I thinking?
A guy in the year above me invited me to the cinema with him. Awesome, I thought. No sooner had I taken my coat off he pounced on me, shoving his tongue down my throat. When eventually he stopped, he complained that my teeth were sticking out. Charming. Later into the film, he began stroking my shoulder, and feeling up my belly button. He then pounced again, this time grabbing full hold of my boob and shoving some popcorn in the process of mouth raping me. Slightly weirded out, I ran off to the bathroom, and returned to find him wanking off to the sex scene and I made my escape once and for all.
Sorry Mom at SXSW Interactive 2010
Heading to SXSW this year? Come watch me speak at 3:30 on Tuesday, March 16th. It’ll be fun, I promise!
This unemployed high school drop out was the real deal. We lovingly referred to him now as “The Jackhammer.” After sleeping with both me and my best friend, it was quickly established that he was in fact the worst lay possible. This considerate fellow liked to ask what color you’d like before he sat awkwardly at the end of the bed (hiding the monster that lies between his legs), while he tried unsuccessfully to slip on the color condom of your choice. He then barreled into you at what can only be referred to as mach speed. After the initial 45 seconds, he liked to pull out so he didn’t “go too soon.” I don’t know what was worse, the fact that he remained huddled over you during break time, or that the break repeated itself 20 seconds later. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a real ladies man – that is, if you like to pay for his breakfast the next morning.
I met this guy in a bar dancing one night. We started hanging out and fooling around. He told me about how he just got out of rehab for drugs and was getting his life together. He still had to get blind drunk before even touching me. We would start fooling around and he’d have to leave to go to the bar on my corner alone for a half hour and come back drunk just to have sex with me. Once, he invited me to one of his shows and the only other people who were there were the four other girls he was sleeping with. He eventually vaporized into thin air. I ran into him later on the street and he made up this dumb excuse about how he threw his cellphone in the river and that’s why he hadn’t called.
I met this guy through some friends of mine who were on a BMX road trip with him. One thing led to another and he ended up with me at my house. After some serious flirting and making out we decided to take it to the next step when he asked “Hey, uh, do you want to have sex?” He said that he only had a strawberry scented condom, which should have been a sign to steer clear of any action, especially considering the horrible yeast infection I later got from this. The sex was terrible and he kept stopping to go down on me for the worst oral I’ve ever received. Right before he came, he went into a hyperventilating fit and begged me not to move a muscle. I instantly freaked out and asked if he was okay. After finally calming down he explained that this is just what always happens to him. Finally he got up to use the restroom and started screaming “DON’T LOOK AT MY BUTT! DON’T LOOK AT MY BUTT!” while walking backwards. According to my guy friends he’s got a girlfriend. I wonder how she reacts to his hyperventilating/butt issues.
Look ‘ma, I made it!
A still from MTV’s Jersey Shore – coincidence or shout out?
After going through a divorce, I kept to myself for several years. Eventually I came out of my shell and I met this guy online. He was good looking and talked a great game. On our first date he treated me like a queen and at the end of the day, we had fantastic sex. The next date was a repeat of the first with more sex and less wandering around. By the third date, I was getting really keen on the prospect of regular sex. Despite the fact we lived about 100 miles apart, I would trot my butt down to see him every chance I got. Not far into things, he asked to borrow some money and so began a period of my life. He continually asked me for money in increasing amounts, until he had borrowed over $5000 from me. As time passed, I learned that he was also seeing 3 other women (by seeing I mean fuck buddies with), was bipolar, a pathological liar, and chronically depressed and just when I thought it was over he came to my hous efor a weekend visit on the promise that he was going to pay me back and to make up for “being a shit”, begging forgiveness, and telling me he was in the black hole of depression. He left only when I kicked him out over 3 months later.
I met this asshole while taking a trip to a nerdy academic event in the mountains. He was your typical scrawny indie boy and looked kinda like Mick Jagger. A week later, he came to my town and we hooked up in my dorm room. He started moaning and playing thumb wars with what he THOUGHT was my clit. I tried helping and giving him directions, but he totally ignored me and just wanted me to jerk him off. We tried hooking up again but he instantly tried to raw dog it in me and I threw a condom at him. He got annoyed and tore through two of them by just trying to put them on. “How many people have you had sex with?” I asked. “I don’t wanna tell you that!” he whined. He pulled a Houdini and ripped it off mid-hump, and came on my stomach after 20 seconds. “Do you have any… backup?” He asked. Luckily I had a spare Plan B from the school clinic. Out of desperation, I gave him his final chance and hoped he could finally figure out how to get me off but he failed again I just told him to stop. “I wish I could turn you on,” he said, grabbing my boobs and clenching them. A few days later, he apologized and kept begging me over the phone and facebook to take him back, for several months. I’m pretty sure he had never done anything with anyone else besides his right hand.
I received a random IM from a guy I’d never met before, who had found my profile through a listing of some sort. We had casual chats for a couple weeks before we started getting to know each other better. He was a nice guy, kind of nerdy, sweet. It was close to Christmas and he said he was alone and away from his family, so he was volunteering at a soup kitchen on Christmas Day. He ended up driving 3 hours to meet me on Boxing Day, spent the night and we cuddled, which turned into amazing sex and started to come see me regularly, surprising me on occasion. I gradually found out some things he was hiding – like the fact that he had a daughter and that he “had been” married to her mom, but was in the process of divorcing her. On a hunch, I looked up his “ex-wife” on Facebook to find that they were still very happily married and when he decided to “figure things out” he had gone home to beg back the wife and child he had kicked out, thinking we were going to be together instead. What a gem.
