I met this guy through other people at school. He was a few years older than me and, as it turned out, a few years behind me emotionally. It probably should have been a bad sign that we started dating because he wore me down and I finally just gave in and said yes. I spent the first 3 months doing fine but after that, I spent the remaining 5 trying to get away from him. He didn’t wear deodorant because of a kidney condition but he still only took showers every other day. He smelled funny and he when I told him he did nothing (apparently I was supposed to pick the deodorant out for him.) He was super angry about the world, and thought the world owed him. He started to treat me like crap and right before Christmas we broke up. He tried to make me jealous but I couldn’t have cared less, even leaving me a voice mail for my mom saying he would miss her friendship, at which she laughed because she didn’t even like him. Oh, and the sex was fine but he was so stuck on himself that I was turned off and the last few months I wouldn’t even let him touch my arm or kiss me and he couldn’t get a clue that I didn’t like him.
I met this friend of a friend at a bar when I was recovering from a breakup with the sweetest medicine of all: Tequila. He was cute, and the fact he was from India made him a wee bit exotic, so I ended up taking him home. After literally kicking him out the minute we’d finished (so I could go to the bathroom and release the tequila,) he proceeded to text and call me for days, until eventually I agreed to go out with him properly. We dated on and off for a few months, then it fizzled. Until my birthday, that is, when he showed up and we ended up hooking up in a bathroom stall. We started dating again, and after a few months it seems to be going well, and was even getting to be somewhat serious. Then, one night in the middle of a dinner date, he mentioned casually that he’d be going home to India at the end of the month. To get married. But he’d like to keep dating me until he left, as it was an arranged thing. He then invited me to the wedding…needless to say, I didn’t RSVP.
He was my first boyfriend so I fell so hard for him and stupidly made him my first priority before friends, school, and family. He was telling me all about our future and spewing love lies all over. Apparently he liked someone else the entire time he was with me, and totally forgot my name the moment she paid any attention to him, but he continued to lead me on and have me think we would have a chance later. I later found out he was lying to me about his drug use and lying to all his buddies and telling them we were sleeping together. The scumbaggery continued when he invited me out to a show one night, only to tell people around us I was his psycho ex and that he was avoiding me. When word got back to me, I told him I was willing to put this all behind us and just be regular friends. After he blocked and unblocked me, yelled at me on online, and refused to apologize, I started ignoring him at which point he constantly tried to contact me and berated me for any reason he could find. To this day, he is known to my friends, which is 60% of my school, as “he who shall not be named,” “him” or simply: “douche bag.” Of course, this douche bag still has the nerve to continue trying to contact me to this day.
It was a typical thursday and my favorite shitty dive. A girlfriend and I had just done a couple bumps in the bathroom and returned to sip on our 5th respective $2 wells. She recognized a dude at the bar and gestured for him to come over. He sat down silently so I introduced myself but was shocked when he didnt look up until my friend informed me he was deaf, which turned this 4 into a 6. He came along with us to a couple other bars and one look at his fixie took him from a 6 to an 8. We texted a bit of small talk back and forth but for the most part it was mandatory silence. A few more drinks and the next thing I know we’re drinking tall boys on the way back to his place. Guy had a typical scummy dude apartment: trash by the door, clothes strewn about, no toilet paper and an overfed cat, but we quickly got down to business on his sheetless mattress nonetheless. Even though I never heard him say a word the entire night, at one point he told me to slow down. After I drunkenly stumbled from the bathroom back to the mattress i think he offered me a bite of a hoagie he had somehow manifested. I declined and passed out but I i could hear him chewing and even think he picked a piece of lettuce out of my hair. In case youre wondering: deaf hipsters sound the same as hearing dudes when they orgasm.
I met this winner in high school. He was a freshman, I was a senior and a cougar in training. We became very close, and though it was obvious we had mutual crushes, I was in a relationship and nothing ever happened. Six years later I ran into him in a coffee shop and decided it would be a great idea to go out for drinks. While out for drinks I learned that he was in the Navy for a bit and tried to become a SEAL. He had some family issues and had to leave the Navy and return home, or, that’s what he told me. He continued to tell me a sob story about his family and how hard it was being him, and since the wine was flowing, I was stupid enough to fall for it. After about two dates, I followed him home for some play time. As the dates continued I was able to piece together the fact that he actually had a serious anger problem and was actually put in Navy jail and kicked out. I also learned that he was so strapped for alcohol, he allowed a male friend of his to trade sexual favors for beers. Anything to get drunk, right? The last time I saw him we met up at the bar and he got wasted, yelled at me and belittled me. I ended it right there and left. He followed me to work and called constantly apologizing for a month. Oh, did I mention he’s balding? Ugh sorry Mom, I bang the worst dudes.
I became close to this bloke while my marriage was disintegrating. In order to get away from my abusive ex, I moved back to the states. A couple weeks after I left, I got a letter from the bloke saying that he was in love with me, and that I had broken his heart. Fast forward 8 years, and I found him again on Facebook. We talked on the phone for hours after getting back in touch, and he told me that he’d never stopped loving me. He then wanted phone sex. The next day, he sent me a text, calling me a liar. After convincing him that I had not lied to him, he wanted phone sex. He then told me two days later that I was obviously not interested in him, as he hadn’t heard from me for 24 hours. I promised to do better. He wanted phone sex. I made sure to email him at least twice a day, but I got another text from him, saying that I wasn’t involved enough with him. I expect to hear from him any day, wanting phone sex again. Since he’s hung like a hamster, I can only assume that’s all the sex he’s capable of!
JESS3 Presents the Ex-Blocker
If a dude is bad enough to post on Sorry Mom, you should probably erase him from your life altogether. Easier said than done, I know, and short of performing a messy self-lobotomy it’s pretty much impossible to force yourself to not take a peek at his facebook, blog, twitter, etc. Well ladies (and fellas), I’m excited to announce the ex-blocker! Inspired by the ladies at Stuff Hipsters Hate and executed by the mad geniuses at my day job, JESS3, The Ex-Blocker is a firefox and Chrome plug in that washes that man right outta your hair, and outta your internets. Go on, download it, and tell ‘em Mom sent you!
Met this guy in a class, thought he was totally sweet and charming, if a little feminine. Everything seemed so fun for a while and then the weirdness started. My first clue should have been when he told me he’d been drinking his own pee since he was 12. The fetishes never ended with that guy, he was into sheizer (poo porn) and being strangled. SO much work for me! And as it turned out after we broke up, he’d hidden a whole lot more from me! But being supportive I never judged his weirdness even when I found out he used to date guys (no big surprise). After a few months he said he didn’t like me as much anymore so I said we should part ways. However, despite “not liking” me as much anymore, he didn’t take the break up particularly well. After I broke up with him he immediately got another girlfriend (which lasted 3 weeks) but became insanely angry and jealous when I chose to date a friend of his. His response to me moving on was like a hysterical old woman, further highlighting his “feminine side”, whinign on facebook about me like a teen girl, and even screaming at me, calling me slut until the whole street was watching when I asked him politely to stop the online defamation. So petty and childish…and he was older than me! Sorry mum, I really do bang the worst dudes!
This is Sir Douche-a-lot. Not only was I in love with this man..ahem BOY, but I repeatedly got back together with him time and time again. We met at a Christmas party through a friend – should have noted he was much shorter than me but the egg nogg clouded my perception. Soon after we started dating, I found out he was sleeping with other people. Break up #1. While we were broken up he had a friend stay with him from Australia, who turned out to be a girl he had been writing love letters to while we were dating. We got back together but things go too serious so he got weird. Break up #2. He came to his senses and we got back together right on time for my 30th birthday. During my birthday party, however, I found out he had been sleeping with a friend of mine. Break up #3. Somehow, I took him back and we stayed together but we broke up again one night after an argument during which he called me crazy for being upset that he flirted publicly with other girls. Break up #4. I left town and he flew to the other side of the country to win me back, which we did, and things went smoothly for a while until, giving in to my suspicions, I found some amazing photos of another girl’s vagina on his phone. Not only did he turn the fact around on me that I looked at his phone and it was my fault, this guy needs to hit the flusher.
This guy was attractive, however he was my friend’s ex-boyfriend, which stopped me from pursuing anything. However, a little bit of liquid courage in the dorm cafeteria on a Friday night and I invited him to hang out. We hooked up that night outside, mid-star gaze. A few Harry Potter references about the starry night and characters from the series were scattered in the conversation, but I didn’t really notice until later that night. We went into his room to hook up some more and he showed me his Harry Potter novelty wand (and he even waved it at me, as if he was trying to cast a spell). Afterwards I went home, blowing it all off, thinking he was just a mild fan. I ended up having sex with him a few days later, waking up in his room to the Harry Potter theme song on his computer the next morning. Thinking it was just an odd coincidence, I shrugged it off. That is, until I saw his Harry Potter-esque glasses on his table, his Gryffindor scarf on a wall hook, all seven books stacked on the floor, and many of the movies sitting on a shelf. I had sex with a wannabe Harry Potter. This didn’t prevent me from sleeping with him a few more times though. Sorry mom.
