Ugh, what is there to say. He was over in done with in less than five minutes, and his “O” face was like Jack Nicholson’s face in The Shining.
I met this guy on quite possibly the worst Valentine’s Day I ever had. I was working at a late night bar and he came up to me. His adorable smile made my night. We had a cute little date the next night and we ended up hooking up, after which he decided to stop calling me/returning my texts. I asked him about it and he eventually told me he wasn’t looking for girlfriend and would be touring all summer so it wouldn’t work. I should have run then but he was too gorgeous to not pursue and we continued our back and forth hook-ups. After not speaking to him all summer while he was on tour he came back and contacted me. I was out and decided to ditch my friends to hang out with him and his friend at his house. He kept picking me up and trying to get me to take my dress off and mess around with him in front of his friend. The icing of the cake was when he said to me “Let us do coke off your tits, it’d be cute.” I decided he was actually a complete scumbag and that I never wanted to see him again. According to his facebook he is in a relationship now. What a charmer.
I made it clear I had no interest in banging this guy and just needed a place to crash. Even in my drunken stupor, I emphasized this. This did not stop me from giving him a consolation hand job, or him from attempting to get in my pants anyway. At one point, he leaned back and announced that he was “being sexual.” I passed out after a good laugh. I left early in the morning, some point after he muttered something about his mother coming to pick him up at 11.
I do not know what possessed me to sleep with this dude. When we got to his bedroom, the TV was already on, lighting up the whole room. “Sorry my room is kind of messy,” he said. “I had a LAN party last night….” As if LAN parties were common and known to be raging. Despite that, things progressed. He had a high pitch giggle during sex. Even months later, he told anyone who would listen about how I was “demonstrative” in bed and gave too many instructions. I wouldn’t need to give instructions if he was any good. He introduces himself to my friends and says “Oh, I know you. I fucked your friend, she was a bitch!” It is kind of sad that this one very BRIEF fuck gave him so much material. Oh yea, and a lesbian friend once sucked him off – she compared his dick to a “cone of flesh.”
I met this guy on spring break when I was 18. He was kinda cute and I was drunk, so we boned that night even though he was almost a decade my senior. He was really awkward in bed, fumbled around a lot and then busted his load like a minute into sex and pretended he didn’t, telling me he just “needed a little break.” Ichalked it up to drunkenness, first-time jitters, whatever. We traded numbers and he set up a date and hit it again, this time sober. This time, he came 10 seconds after he entered me. In fact, he really didn’t even pump at all, he just entered me and then announced: “I am cumming.” We kept this bad sex routine up for another month or so until I couldn’t take it anymore. After I broke up with him he admitted he was actually 34, not 27. I told him to never call me again, but he stalked me online for a year.
Computer go kaboom.
Hey guys,
Please pardon the lack of updates for the next few days, I let a nasty lil’ trojan virus get all up in my machine and now I can’t do much of anything. I have good stuff in store for you guys, I promise.
In the meantime, go check out some of my favorite places on the world wide web:
The World’s Best Ever
Muddguts
Shmitten Kitten
Broke ya neck
Love,
Mom
This dude has every element of the worst dude: a long-term girlfriend, countless one-night stands, mistresses, an extreme porn addiction, an obsession with black men’s penises (and forcing you to tell him he’s just as big), and a collection of whores and strippers who are “just friends!” DUDE! The worst part is, his bag is that he’s a straight up guy. Right.
This ball bag was a friend of my neighbors who managed to invite himself into my house after a party of theirs. We had just met but were both very stoned, and we somehow ended up in my bedroom. He talked the whole way through, largely about how incredible it was that I was 19 (5 years his junior), and how he solely possessed not only me, but my arse. Despite “meaning so much to him”, he didn’t show any interest in how I was doing. He came 5 times in these few joyless hours, pretended repeatedly to forget about a condom and made me pay for a can of drink in the morning. He then had the audacity to accuse me of falsely leading him into a relationship, after I refused to return his calls. His many, MANY calls.
This guy was a secret douche, meaning for the two months of relationship I thought he was a nice guy. Unfortunately I just wasn’t attracted to him, so I broke up with him. The weekend after there was a party at my house and the guy sent his ex-girlfriend he’d never quite gotten over into our house to spy on us. Literally. When my friends and I went out to go clubbing, he suddenly turned up at the party and proceeded to harass my flatmates and insult them. Of course he had to pick on my friends, because he was too chickenshit to take his anger out on me. When I ran into him again he told me I was lazy (he was by far lazier, and the biggest dude I’ve ever dated) and implied that I had no social life. Fuck off.
She went down on me. Looked up at me and said “You have a nice bonedawg.” or “bone, dawg.” I’m still not sure. Either way, I let her finish and never talked to her again. I didn’t realize I had been hooking up with DMX.
