After a night of drinking, I go home with this guy I had casually slept with a couple times before. Previous instances of sex could never be completed due to an unfortunate male condition known as “whiskey dick.” MYSTERIOUSLY, his condition never appeared during rounds of BJs. To top it off, he had a soul patch – more like “this-is-the-only-fucking-place-on-my-face-I-can-grow-hair patch.” We ended up back in my room and before beginning the first minute of what was sure to be hours of ecstasy, and I decided to make a stop to the bathroom. When I re-entered my room, I was greeted by the most GOD.AWFUL. stench ever to reach my nostrils. It took everything I had not to vomit right there. I look at him tucked in my lovely, fluffy, clean bed…the hugest smile appears on his face as he begins to FLAP MY BED SHEETS UP AND DOWN while laughing and saying “Oh maaaan I REALLY had to fart.” I was unable to function due to shock and somehow managed to navigate through the cloud of sheer asshole and get into bed. Awkward groping began while that scene of him flapping my sheets replayed in my mind with the stench of 1000 rotting cabbages stuffed into dirty diapers still in my memory. Surprisingly, I couldn’t really get into it and even with gallons of lube at his disposal he offered a suggestion and asked- “Have you ever put it in there before?” and NODS at my back door. I declined, he urged.. and then i just turned over and pass out. I wish it was possible to burn memories.
My freshman year of college I had just broken up with my HS boyfriend and decided it was time to let loose and go on a rebound rampage. The worst was this guy who was hot and kept saying he was a sophomore, but looked older. After about a minute of drunken sex, I asked him if he really was finished and he said yes, so I made him go down on me. It was decent but not great. He didn’t call me for a week but then we finally talked again and for some reason my douchebag alarm had not gone off yet. Right before we were going to have sex again he said, “you were pretty disappointed when I came fast the first time,” at first I said no but then I was like, “well yeah , kinda.” He then insisted that I tell him exactly how long he needed to last in bed. I fucked him for like 3 weeks and every time when I finished in like a minute, he would ask how disappointed I was. After I broke it off, he showed up at one of my classes once and tried to talk shit about me in front of my friends. God, what a loser.
This shorty has a HUGE Napoleon complex. Before I started dating him nobody liked him because he was just an angry little guy. If he couldn’t get it up he’d threaten to bitch slap his own penis. He belittled me constantly and bragged that he was the best lay his exes ever had, even to me, but he couldn’t even manage to get me off once in 11 months. He was so obsessed with the Yankees that when they lost, he would punch the wall and get too emotional to have sex. He would whine if I left 6 of my hairs in his hairbrush (he counted!) and would ask me to “filter” my thoughts through friends before wasting his time about it. Not to mention he told me he loved me, took it back, said our 11 month relationship was more like “3 months because we were in school”, didn’t get me a Valentine’s or Christmas gift because he “didn’t do that stuff” and left the country on my birthday to play golf.
Ugh, what is there to say. He was over in done with in less than five minutes, and his “O” face was like Jack Nicholson’s face in The Shining.
I met this guy on quite possibly the worst Valentine’s Day I ever had. I was working at a late night bar and he came up to me. His adorable smile made my night. We had a cute little date the next night and we ended up hooking up, after which he decided to stop calling me/returning my texts. I asked him about it and he eventually told me he wasn’t looking for girlfriend and would be touring all summer so it wouldn’t work. I should have run then but he was too gorgeous to not pursue and we continued our back and forth hook-ups. After not speaking to him all summer while he was on tour he came back and contacted me. I was out and decided to ditch my friends to hang out with him and his friend at his house. He kept picking me up and trying to get me to take my dress off and mess around with him in front of his friend. The icing of the cake was when he said to me “Let us do coke off your tits, it’d be cute.” I decided he was actually a complete scumbag and that I never wanted to see him again. According to his facebook he is in a relationship now. What a charmer.
I made it clear I had no interest in banging this guy and just needed a place to crash. Even in my drunken stupor, I emphasized this. This did not stop me from giving him a consolation hand job, or him from attempting to get in my pants anyway. At one point, he leaned back and announced that he was “being sexual.” I passed out after a good laugh. I left early in the morning, some point after he muttered something about his mother coming to pick him up at 11.
I do not know what possessed me to sleep with this dude. When we got to his bedroom, the TV was already on, lighting up the whole room. “Sorry my room is kind of messy,” he said. “I had a LAN party last night….” As if LAN parties were common and known to be raging. Despite that, things progressed. He had a high pitch giggle during sex. Even months later, he told anyone who would listen about how I was “demonstrative” in bed and gave too many instructions. I wouldn’t need to give instructions if he was any good. He introduces himself to my friends and says “Oh, I know you. I fucked your friend, she was a bitch!” It is kind of sad that this one very BRIEF fuck gave him so much material. Oh yea, and a lesbian friend once sucked him off – she compared his dick to a “cone of flesh.”
I met this guy on spring break when I was 18. He was kinda cute and I was drunk, so we boned that night even though he was almost a decade my senior. He was really awkward in bed, fumbled around a lot and then busted his load like a minute into sex and pretended he didn’t, telling me he just “needed a little break.” Ichalked it up to drunkenness, first-time jitters, whatever. We traded numbers and he set up a date and hit it again, this time sober. This time, he came 10 seconds after he entered me. In fact, he really didn’t even pump at all, he just entered me and then announced: “I am cumming.” We kept this bad sex routine up for another month or so until I couldn’t take it anymore. After I broke up with him he admitted he was actually 34, not 27. I told him to never call me again, but he stalked me online for a year.
Computer go kaboom.
Hey guys,
Please pardon the lack of updates for the next few days, I let a nasty lil’ trojan virus get all up in my machine and now I can’t do much of anything. I have good stuff in store for you guys, I promise.
In the meantime, go check out some of my favorite places on the world wide web:
The World’s Best Ever
Muddguts
Shmitten Kitten
Broke ya neck
Love,
Mom
This ball bag was a friend of my neighbors who managed to invite himself into my house after a party of theirs. We had just met but were both very stoned, and we somehow ended up in my bedroom. He talked the whole way through, largely about how incredible it was that I was 19 (5 years his junior), and how he solely possessed not only me, but my arse. Despite “meaning so much to him”, he didn’t show any interest in how I was doing. He came 5 times in these few joyless hours, pretended repeatedly to forget about a condom and made me pay for a can of drink in the morning. He then had the audacity to accuse me of falsely leading him into a relationship, after I refused to return his calls. His many, MANY calls.
